As I assume more and more people tend to notice...
I guess it's something I need to tell. </b></i>
My life is forming and changing around my issues and I need to clean up my mind, explaining what's going on and how it's affecting me. People often think I've got mental issues, or at least think I have strange actions.
As I hate to explain this... I might put it on paper, once and for all.
I never had the best childhood. I won't be the one who will tell you guys it was horrible, but I had no friends, played on the computer all day and was often called in 'sick' by her parents since I was bullied so much I didn't dare to go to school.
As I was 16, I was always the annoying teenager, as most were. I had the typical hormonal issues and was kicking against most of the things my parents told me to live by. This is just normal, yet I also had horrible panic attacks out of no where and even anger problems.
My parents send me to the doctors as I was having more and more problems with these things. Back in the days, he just told me this was a form of 'accepting' my past (bullied and all) and growing mature.
I accepted this and had to fight my 'own brain' in order to finish my school. I always was capable to do all asked things with less to no time needed to study. In this year I suddenly was dropping in my rates and had even a hard time to finish school.
Little did I know, it would be the last thing I would be able to achieve for a long time.
I grew older, turning 17, 18... .
This was the moment the anger problems grew out of hand. I was mad at the whole world, I hated everything and everyone on it. And then I mean, everything and really EVERYONE.
I screamed at my teachers; they were telling lies, I stormed out of class, I was in fights all the time. I must have been a real pain in the ass for my parents (And I honestly guess I still am).
I decided to stop my study and started to work for a year, work on this anger thing to lower its level and decide what I really wanted.
In these times my doctor told me to visit specialists, since it really grew out of hand.
This was horrible for me, I didn't want to be 'the idiot' who had mental problems, fuck that right? So first I denied having any problems, but as my life formed worse and worse, I decided it was for the best and went along with it.
This was the first time I was having tests and heard I was diagnosed with Depression. I knew I hated my life and everything in it, so it wasn't much of a shock. I was also surrounded with many 'so called emo kids' and I laughed in myself they were all so emo, and I was the wanna be emo who was really 'emo', but I always kept this to myself. I remember this since I found it rather funny back in the days. Ive always seen my diagnose with some sort of a smile.
As I worked, I traveled a lot of the money I had and met new people, people who had same hobbies, same interests and for the first time in my life I had actual friends.
As I grew 19, I decided I wanted to go study photography, and live on my own. This was quite a good step back in the days. I wouldnt exactly say my home situation was horrible, but it was not exactly adding good vibes in my life. So I moved to Zwolle, where I lived and studied for four years.
During this time, I was also diagnosed with Manic depression (which means it will always stay) and Borderline.
I didn't want to accept this and fought this over and over. I wanted to live as any other human being. I didn't want to be hold back in my actions because my brain simply wouldn't let me.
I was literally fighting my own brain. </b>
After a year I decided it was okay, yeah I did see a lot in black/white vision. People were my enemy or friend, no one could be in between. I had horrible weird sudden ideas, and I was not able to handle my own money issues. I indeed could burst out in tears with the tinyest little bump on the road and I indeed could be depressed (the real deal, not the 'yeah I have a bad day ye know') for weeks, staying in bed, crying my eyes out, stuffing myself up with food and not even caring for myself anymore. No washing, no nothing. Just bed.
It's not as most people think it is, it is a feeling that can not be discribed in words. You absolutely hate your own human being. You want to die, pray to god every freaking day your life just ends. You even trash yourself, nothing matters anymore. I remember literally sit on my bed for days, with a pillow in hands and not doing a bloody thing all day. Just sitting and staring at the people outside, thinking an aweful lot, not saying a word. You don't talk about it, you are ashamed of it really. You are ashamed of what you have become.
It can not be compared with 'a bad day' or 'just turn the switch and be happy' or 'just fight it, you are weak if you can't win.' I fought it, I did, I really did. It's an endless fight to be happy, which you simply will never win, and the only way to 'win' is to accept it. Ive been put on medicins to get me back on the streets again and started to do things again.
This is when I started to roll in the gaming life and cosplay with it.
I've met the most wonderful people during this time. These are still the people who embrace me for what, and who I am. Some know about this, some don't.
The time of depression made a bad impression at school and this made me have a hard time. In the end I got ill and ended up in the hospital. This was the last drop for school to kick me out. It was 6 weeks before I would got the paper.
I still have nightmares over this, I can not believe that happened.
This was when I again fell back in a depression. Making everything even worse than before. I made horrible mistakes and started to push people away from me. I didn't want people to see me in such state. I didn't want people to see me the way I could also be. I never wanted people to notice I hated myself the way I did. I got mean to about everyone around me and lost many friends.
Some had remained, even when I litterally asked them to let me go, to get me out of their lives. I felt so horrible of having me in THEIR lives.
But it were also those people who told me it was okay, who knew me for who I also could be. Grabbed my hand and pulled me onwards. Showed me that people could care. I have never been good with words, but I think they know who they are. I'm really gratefull and often bring them little gifts, as my words tend to fail pretty often.
Now I live back in the place I've been raised, not with my parents, but with some other students. I try to finish another school now. I got professionals who tuck me with them, help me organize my life step by step. Money problems, personal problems, and as I still get tired every once in a while, of fighting every day with my brain... they stand by my side to catch me when I fall.
I feel horrible to my parents. They grow older aswell and I just want them to have a happy life aswell, you know, playing with grandkids, laughing and enjoying their old days. Instead they have me. And that's probably the worst feeling I can have. I do hope they will forgive me for that someday.
So basically, I am busy with getting the red wire in my life back on track. I have borderline and depression, and I will always have. I need to learn to live with that.
I try.</b>
I am Mary and I'm not 'depression' or 'borderline' and I want to live my life the best I can.
Every day is a fight for me to enjoy it the best way I can, and that sucks.
Taking pills every day to even get up, sucks.
Fear striking your heart with every little bump on the road and crying over it, sucks.
Thats why I'm done with this and want to change this, now.
It might explain some of the actions I took, some of the private messages Ive send to some of you, and the lack of being online or uploading things often.
This is not a message as: look how sad I am.
Not at all, not at the slightest. I decided I am done with the mysteriousness of myself. I am told to be quite the 'weird' girl. Or even called 'mysterious' or 'I dont get you'.
This is why.
And now Ive explained myself clear enough, leaving the details out. I think this is more than enough for you to know.
I am strong, I am not weak at all. I am not sad, I am not weird, and I am not the person you should try to put this against with. As you can see, I've had worse, so don't even try me.
I am Maryonne, and I am having some problems I need to sort out. </b> </span>As every one of you guys have.
This is all I have to say.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Xoxo~
Maryonne</i></b>