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MaryMODIFIED

Photography & Cosplay
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A New Place!~

5 min read
Hello,
I've been oh so busy last months... my goodness me. 
Not with costumes, not with photography; but with something entirely different.


A new place!~
Fact is; A short while ago I was petsitting my parents dog; which recently broke her leg, when my phone rang.
It was a nice lady, asking me if I was prepared for a huge suprise, ofcourse this made me very curious.

Then she told me that I was now the very first on a year-year-year-long waitinglist for my very own appartment! And!! That there was now one available for me!!!

At that point my jaw dropped to the floor, because honestly; I was thinking about this to happen in maybe two years, but most certainly not now!~ 

It took a lot of organisation because I had to basically decide if I wanted it in two days... which wasn't possible; looking at money, job, etc etc.

Luckily for me the organisation understood there was no way I could make such a huge decision right away. They decided to deal with the financial damage to leave the appartment one month empty for me to decide.

In the meantime I had to take care of a LOT of things. 

And!!
Now Im writing this in an empty room because I get the key of my new place TOMORROW! (24.04.2015)
 
O MY GOD!!~ Im SO excited!! My very, own, "big", PLACE! My own kitchen, living room, hallway, shower, bedroom!

My goodness people! Im so super excited. And with that I also finally get the space to spread fabric properly in rooms for cosplay! (Lol yes I actually thought this before... its a big thing for me.)


Speaking of cosplay...
I haven't really done a lot in cosplay lately... I know.
I mainly have been busy making a dress for the Carnavale in Venice in February. (img10.deviantart.net/fcd7/i/20…)

Shortly after my return from Venice, this offer came my way and my whole world has been wrapped around this move ever since. 

Next saturday I would go to the Elf Fantasy Fair in the Netherlands... A Fair I basically look forward to the entire year. But faith decided I will move to my new place upcomming saturday. 

Honestly I wasn't too excited about THAT fact, but I basically had no choise. Besides, I will still visit the fair now, only on Sunday now. So for whoever is going there on sunday, I will always be happy to meet new faces.

With that being said...
I also own a Nikon 50mm lens now!~


50MM!~
I mean seriously; I lost this specific lens two or maybe three years ago, forcing me to stop concert photography. I have always missed it. Im so happy to have it in my inventory again, I dont think I will start with concert photography again. I just enjoy freelancing and doing my thing whenever I feel the urge. (Like on things like Elfia.)

I have always been afraid of negative opinions on my work, and though I realise opinions are just.., well opinions... my own opinion was always very much influenced by the opinion of others. So basically, whatever I did was in my own eyes always bad, and not just a little. But I couldn't even see what others would even like in my work. Whilst during the packing I found back older books filled with photo's... and all I could think was: "I was actually pretty good... ." - I was suprised by how my own vision has taken a turn.

Now-a-days; I decided I do what I like... and it's not something I want to earn my money with... so if it's not liked by someone else... I'm sorry but I did my best. There isn't much else I can do, now can I? ;)

I mean; I would lie if I don't feel jealous if I see someone with an awesome cosplay... and I just can't make something like that yet. 

For now I think what I do is fine for me, and in the end... Isn't that what matters most?


Ubisoft Talk.
There is just so much going on right now.

I am very eager to start/continue with new cosplays.

Recently added to my wishlist is the super-amazing character named 'Shay Patrick Cormac' from Assassins Creed Rogue. The game I was very sceptic about in first place. But Yeah... I was very wrong... I love the concept and the game itself...(img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20…)

I think its an amazing game and I love this character... (He even took a very close spot next to my love for the character Haytham Kenway.) I dont think he is the bad guy, I even feel for him. I haven't finished the game yet, but I adore it. 

&Hey, black and red costumes... I just have to adore that, don't I? :eager:


But first!~
Let's start with going to bed for now... and then tomorrow at 11.30 a.m...
Celebrate a miniature party, with my newly obtained key of a fabulous new place.


Sorry for the late update... 
I hope you don't mind. ;)



Love!~
MaryMODIFIED
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Merry Christmas!~

It is a day after Christmas, and I hope you all had a wonderful time with your loved ones. 
Family, Friends, maybe even with pets, or not at all.

What ever you might have done; I hope you did it the best possible way.

~

2015!~

The year 2014 comes to an end... and now Facebook has all these horrible 'the year of' things. When I looked at mine... It didn't look like my year at all... 
It was full of conventions, photo's, trips, and silly faces. Ofcourse this is a side I love to share, and is the best share I can give.
But this was not my 2014 in the slightest.

Honestly. 

My 2014 was HORRIBLE
But in the BEST possible way.

I wanted to explain this all, but I thought; why would I?

The year has been very hard, on almost all levels. I had to face all my mistakes from the past years, and tackle them. One. By. One.

This was probably one of the hardest things I have done so far, I mean; No one gets eager to look back on their mistakes right?

What has been; has been. I want to stop looking back at the past now and continue my newest ADVENTURE!


2015!!~

I can honestly say again, I look forward to the new year. This hope, and eagerness has been long gone. I can't remember how long it has been, I thought; Yay, a new year, new opportunities!

Now I do.

Speaking of which; I am going to make another entry, just about something in 2015, something I am so eager for!

First; I need to walk with the doggie now, through the freshly fallen snow. Yippeeh. 

I love snow. 

Have a great new years evening, don't blow any fingers off; that won't come in handy. 

Love,
MaryModified.
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Yearly Update

3 min read
Hello there ladies and gent's!

Nearly a year has passed since my last journal, aaaand a lot has happened.

Busy!~
The main reason that I've not been writing much is because I've been busy, and then I mean; BUSY.

Long Story; Short.
I Stopped with school, started working at a petting-zoo, I'm still photographing as a hobby, became a auntie for the second time of a beeeaautiful baby boy, adopted two suuuuuupercute hamsters and right now I'm basically waiting for Halloween to come my way. 

~

School. 
Now in first place I do NOT encourage quitting school, and if there isn't a decent reason for you to quit, you should never, ever, even consider it. I kind of 'had' to stop. I still photograph as a hobbyist and I like it this way for now. I'm not exactly planning on a new study for the moment. I have found an amazing job at a petting-zoo, which is amazing for an animal-lover like me.

Work?
I've been raised with all sorts of animals around me, ever since I moved out, I haven't had many animals around me. I've always wanted animals around me again, so I decided to apply to a petting-zoo. Strangely enough, even though I had no experience at all in the business, they really wanted me, and now, 3 to 4 months later I work there with a lot of joy. Yes, it mainly is feeding the goats, cuddling cows and clean the rabbits, but I love it.

Hobbyist Photographer.
I also still like to work as a photographer, as told before, I haven't finished my studies... This is why I went on with this pure as a hobby. I even find it more enjoyable, now I can do my own thing...which is great.

Baby Boy!~
YES!!~ On the 28th of May my sister in law had her second baby boy!! :eager:
The boy was born 6 weeks too early, but though small, he was healthy and could go home in mere days.

His older brother is very kind and sweet to him. Cuddling him and singing him to sleep, it's the cutest thing ever. 

Last few times I went there, he ran to me wrapping his tiny arms around my legs. (As he isn't much taller than that...) I can truely say I love these kids, and I am their funny, strange auntie. :woohoo:

Halloween.
Yippeeh!~ Halloween is comming. It's my favorite holiday, as me as a cosplayer can finally walk around without all the strange looks. (Just kidding.)

Cosplay.

On Saturday the 11th of October I'm at First Look in Utrecht. I don't know if I will cosplay, maybe I will, maybe I won't. I just don't know yet.
The weekend after I will try to go to FACTS, but this isn't 100% sure yet. 

Love,
MaryModified!~
(Cinestry)

P.s. The Grumpy Mood is because of something that happened yesterday, nothing major. 
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Hey there,

It's 'that' time of the year again, people are talking about celebrating Christmas again. How do you celebrate it and why. 
This time it was someone dear to me who asked me why I didn't celebrate it with christmas gifts and what it was like being raised as a Christian... . 

As I kind of explained myself in a long comment, I think I can tell you guys my story aswell... 
I think my story might startle some die hard Christians, so don't read if you are one of those.

~

"Why don't you Celebrate Christmas with gifts?"
Because according to my parents, Christmas presents are from Santa, and santa is a 'figure' who has been brought to life, so people only cared for presents and forgot about the 'real' thought of christmas... That Jesus was born... .
So we dont have any christmas gifts... none under the tree, none anywhere. We don't celebrate it with gifts... My parents sing songs to the Lord, pray, Thank God for comming to the earth, and go the to church.

-I told her my parents were against hanging angels in the christmas trees, so they broke off the wings so it were 'normal' humans, and that was allowed in the tree...- She commented with "And hanging dead people in the tree is okay?!"
HAHAHAHAHA I know, I know. We as young adults now, laugh about that and annoy my parents with that "REMEMBER WHAT YOU DID WITH THE ANGELS BACK THEN?" we know it's horrible and weird, so we taunt them with it now.
I mean, I dont cooperate with my parents thoughts on it. Some are just natural to me, others I can not understand for myself. Like; I totally like the idea of Santa, the chimney, the gifts, the nice celebration... we don't do that and I would love to.

Christian?
So no, you dont got me offended. Since I totally got your point. I am raised as a Christian, I believe in God and how the earth has been made... I belief there is a God (yet I have doubts since why does he make some people such a living hell?) and he died for us living creatures on this planet... but I'm not one of those people who do all that is written in the Bible. Heck if I would, I totally would go to hell now. As people tell me I do anyway since I'm bisexual.

I believe in how it is started, and basically that's it. I believe we are here to be good to each other, and try to help each other if we can. I Think that if there is a God (since it has never been proven) he wouldn't care LESS if we pray every day and sit in the church every sunday. If he is really up there, I think he would be way happier if he sees we try to help each other as human beings. Acting well and taking care of each other. I dont think he would be to me like: 'I see you are kind to your surroundings and try to help those in need, yet you are bisexual and don't pray every day?! Oh no, HELL FOR YOU MATE!'
And later there is this dude, 'Oh I see you have been an ass to about everyone around you and you paid all your employees a bad salery so you could have a better life yourself, anyway; they were non-christians anyway. Yet I see here you read the bible and go to church, so be welcome!'

If that's who God is, he can keep his heaven and then hell it is for me; sounds like a better place anyway if people like that are in heaven.

I would call it; I have my own beliefs.

~

Any questions left?

No kidding... but really guys... Maybe I can put this on paper quite simple and think this black and white.. . But isn't it how the Bible is written? You either go to hell if you don't live by the 12 rules or you go to heaven if you do?

That heaven must be empty as heck in that case, since we all sin.
And I do know there is said: "If you ask for forgiveness God will provide", do you really think, you can kill people and say: "Oops sorry God!" And you go to heaven, and be good to everyone around you but DON'T Pray, you go to hell?

Really... ?!

Yeah I know all the stories in the Bible, (there is a Vicar very close to me, so please, Ive been thrown dead with the stories.), and yes I know there was this guy on the crosses who was a murderer and asked for forgiveness aswell.
But isn't it just weird? When you think about it?
Or am I the only one doubting all this?

I know, I don't often write serious things, and I look more or less without a person without a brain... the way I act at least.
It's simplier to go through life like that, people don't expect things from you... But for this once, here are my real thoughts.

So, what are your thoughts on this subject??
What do you think of the way I believe?
What do you believe on your own?

And don't tell me I go to hell or heaven; since the Bible says: "Only God can judge." Thanks mate. ;)

Xoxo~
MaryMODIFIED






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I am Strong

9 min read
As I assume more and more people tend to notice...
I guess it's something I need to tell. </b></i>

My life is forming and changing around my issues and I need to clean up my mind, explaining what's going on and how it's affecting me. People often think I've got mental issues, or at least think I have strange actions.

As I hate to explain this... I might put it on paper, once and for all.

I never had the best childhood. I won't be the one who will tell you guys it was horrible, but I had no friends, played on the computer all day and was often called in 'sick' by her parents since I was bullied so much I didn't dare to go to school.

As I was 16, I was always the annoying teenager, as most were. I had the typical hormonal issues and was kicking against most of the things my parents told me to live by. This is just normal, yet I also had horrible panic attacks out of no where and even anger problems.
My parents send me to the doctors as I was having more and more problems with these things. Back in the days, he just told me this was a form of 'accepting' my past (bullied and all) and growing mature. 

I accepted this and had to fight my 'own brain' in order to finish my school. I always was capable to do all asked things with less to no time needed to study. In this year I suddenly was dropping in my rates and had even a hard time to finish school.

Little did I know, it would be the last thing I would be able to achieve for a long time.

I grew older, turning 17, 18... .
This was the moment the anger problems grew out of hand. I was mad at the whole world, I hated everything and everyone on it. And then I mean, everything and really EVERYONE.
I screamed at my teachers; they were telling lies, I stormed out of class, I was in fights all the time. I must have been a real pain in the ass for my parents (And I honestly guess I still am).

I decided to stop my study and started to work for a year, work on this anger thing to lower its level and decide what I really wanted.

In these times my doctor told me to visit specialists, since it really grew out of hand.

This was horrible for me, I didn't want to be 'the idiot' who had mental problems, fuck that right? So first I denied having any problems, but as my life formed worse and worse, I decided it was for the best and went along with it. 
This was the first time I was having tests and heard I was diagnosed with Depression. I knew I hated my life and everything in it, so it wasn't much of a shock. I was also surrounded with many 'so called emo kids' and I laughed in myself they were all so emo, and I was the wanna be emo who was really 'emo', but I always kept this to myself. I remember this since I found it rather funny back in the days. Ive always seen my diagnose with some sort of a smile.

As I worked, I traveled a lot of the money I had and met new people, people who had same hobbies, same interests and for the first time in my life I had actual friends.

As I grew 19, I decided I wanted to go study photography, and live on my own. This was quite a good step back in the days. I wouldnt exactly say my home situation was horrible, but it was not exactly adding good vibes in my life. So I moved to Zwolle, where I lived and studied for four years. 

During this time, I was also diagnosed with Manic depression (which means it will always stay) and Borderline. 
I didn't want to accept this and fought this over and over. I wanted to live as any other human being. I didn't want to be hold back in my actions because my brain simply wouldn't let me. 

I was literally fighting my own brain. </b>

After a year I decided it was okay, yeah I did see a lot in black/white vision. People were my enemy or friend, no one could be in between. I had horrible weird sudden ideas, and I was not able to handle my own money issues. I indeed could burst out in tears with the tinyest little bump on the road and I indeed could be depressed (the real deal, not the 'yeah I have a bad day ye know') for weeks, staying in bed, crying my eyes out, stuffing myself up with food and not even caring for myself anymore. No washing, no nothing. Just bed. 

It's not as most people think it is, it is a feeling that can not be discribed in words. You absolutely hate your own human being. You want to die, pray to god every freaking day your life just ends. You even trash yourself, nothing matters anymore. I remember literally sit on my bed for days, with a pillow in hands and not doing a bloody thing all day. Just sitting and staring at the people outside, thinking an aweful lot, not saying a word. You don't talk about it, you are ashamed of it really. You are ashamed of what you have become.

It can not be compared with 'a bad day' or 'just turn the switch and be happy' or 'just fight it, you are weak if you can't win.' I fought it, I did, I really did. It's an endless fight to be happy, which you simply will never win, and the only way to 'win' is to accept it. Ive been put on medicins to get me back on the streets again and started to do things again.

This is when I started to roll in the gaming life and cosplay with it. 
I've met the most wonderful people during this time. These are still the people who embrace me for what, and who I am. Some know about this, some don't. 

The time of depression made a bad impression at school and this made me have a hard time. In the end I got ill and ended up in the hospital. This was the last drop for school to kick me out. It was 6 weeks before I would got the paper.

I still have nightmares over this, I can not believe that happened.

This was when I again fell back in a depression. Making everything even worse than before. I made horrible mistakes and started to push people away from me. I didn't want people to see me in such state. I didn't want people to see me the way I could also be. I never wanted people to notice I hated myself the way I did. I got mean to about everyone around me and lost many friends. 

Some had remained, even when I litterally asked them to let me go, to get me out of their lives. I felt so horrible of having me in THEIR lives.

But it were also those people who told me it was okay, who knew me for who I also could be. Grabbed my hand and pulled me onwards. Showed me that people could care. I have never been good with words, but I think they know who they are. I'm really gratefull and often bring them little gifts, as my words tend to fail pretty often.

Now I live back in the place I've been raised, not with my parents, but with some other students. I try to finish another school now. I got professionals who tuck me with them, help me organize my life step by step. Money problems, personal problems, and as I still get tired every once in a while, of fighting every day with my brain... they stand by my side to catch me when I fall.

I feel horrible to my parents. They grow older aswell and I just want them to have a happy life aswell, you know, playing with grandkids, laughing and enjoying their old days. Instead they have me. And that's probably the worst feeling I can have. I do hope they will forgive me for that someday.

So basically, I am busy with getting the red wire in my life back on track. I have borderline and depression, and I will always have. I need to learn to live with that.

I try.</b>

I am Mary and I'm not 'depression' or 'borderline' and I want to live my life the best I can.

Every day is a fight for me to enjoy it the best way I can, and that sucks. 
Taking pills every day to even get up, sucks.
Fear striking your heart with every little bump on the road and crying over it, sucks.

Thats why I'm done with this and want to change this, now.

It might explain some of the actions I took, some of the private messages Ive send to some of you, and the lack of being online or uploading things often.

This is not a message as: look how sad I am.
Not at all, not at the slightest. I decided I am done with the mysteriousness of myself. I am told to be quite the 'weird'  girl. Or even called 'mysterious' or 'I dont get you'. 
This is why.

And now Ive explained myself clear enough, leaving the details out. I think this is more than enough for you to know.

I am strong, I am not weak at all. I am not sad, I am not weird, and I am not the person you should try to put this against with. As you can see, I've had worse, so don't even try me.

I am Maryonne, and I am having some problems I need to sort out. </b> </span>As every one of you guys have.

This is all I have to say.
Thank you for your cooperation.
;)

Xoxo~
Maryonne</i></b>

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